It’s a real thing. So real that it has taken over this blog post, which was originally going to be about our little TKS “retreat” and the things I gathered from it.
BUT INSTEAD, FLUNK DAY.
The anxiety over it is something that I thought I’d be over by now. I spent a solid 2-3 weeks last year freaking out, staying up until 3 a.m. refreshing the Wikifire, freaking out some more, waking up to scares at 6 a.m., freaking out again, and then doing the homework I hadn’t done when I was too busy freaking out and going to breakfast. Who even goes to breakfast?
Last night, the anxiety got to me again as I was getting ready to go to bed around 1 a.m. and instead speculated about all the evidence I could speculate about. To flunk, or not to flunk?
But that question has been answered as today is not Flunk Day.
I feel bad for all the alumni who came into town thinking it was this holiest of days, but at the same time, I don’t. There may not be any hard facts that will say Yes, Today Is Flunk Day, but there are some that say, No, Dude, Go To Sleep.
So, here I will gather a list of facts that do not prove it is Flunk Day:
- Flunk-themed alumni events (mainly in Chicago) mean absolutely nothing. They are scheduled during Flunk season, but it would be incredibly stupid of the planners to coordinate these.
- Essentially, alumni know nothing. Planners are almost certainly aware that alumni (especially recent grads) stay in touch with people on campus, so there’s no way they would tell them. This sounds absurd, but it is a real rumor.
- Sam Martone has never correctly predicted Flunk Day. He may still be trying to do so from remote locations, but as of yet, no dice. Sorry, Sam.
- Sports have been screwed over in the past, and it would not be surprising if they got screwed over again. In other words: Just because there’s a sports event scheduled doesn’t mean that that day couldn’t be Flunk.
- Choreographer’s Workshop has been screwed over in the past. This is especially saddening to me. But this means that all of next week (a.k.a. CW tech week) is fair game.
- Contrary to first years’ beliefs, no one cares if Flunk happens during midterms. It probably will happen during midterms.
- Bad weather is a thing that no one can control. Flunk planners seem to be scheduling Flunk later in the spring, seemingly in the hopes of warmer temperatures, but it rained last year and we all flunked anyway.
- Pretty much anything on the Wikifire could be trolling. Seniors love to do this. Planners, especially, love to do this. If there are photos of occurrences or multiple statements of “CONFIRMED!!” then it may be more believable.
- Campus Safety and Helmut do know when Flunk Day is, but they don’t know as early in advance as the planners do.
- The food shipment will not expire in as short an amount of time as contributors to the Wikifire think it will.
- Mysterious vans in the parking lots of Walmart or Hyvee are mysterious, but are not proof.
- Lights being on in the mailroom, UB office, or caf are also mysterious, but are also not necessarily proof.
In sum: Flunk will cause anxiety because trolling. But it’s good anxiety. It’s like Christmas, your 21st birthday, and New Year’s Eve all rolled up into one.
